did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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