i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
