Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
