Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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