Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I puked a lego.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
