Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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