What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize