I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
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side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party