I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
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He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?