i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.