I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
