I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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