my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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