mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
