The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
