Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
