we made out on top of his cat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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