I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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