I hate all girls vehemently.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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