im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
