please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
