Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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