she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
