Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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