So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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