Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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