We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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