yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
