I'm drive I can fine osifer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
