Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
