Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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