youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
