apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
