when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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