Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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