I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
