if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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