I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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