Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
