I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
