my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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