Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
