I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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