I hate your face
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
