I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
