She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
