Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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