Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
