god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
