ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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