i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
