i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
