i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
