Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
