she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
