I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
