She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
