On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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